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Signs of a Poor Communicator: #1 – You don’t get your way

Posted by Stephanie Robertson on February 8th, 2010

I pride myself on exceptional communication skills. Sure, I am not the Queen

: Frustrated you aren’t getting what you want?

of the communication castle, but I try with consistency to firmly listen to the opinions of others in a way that shows respect and interest. Lately, my attention has been intertwined in passionate conversations where there is no positive outcome and no plan moving forward. This, in part, is attributed to poor communication skills. How do you know if you have poor communication skills? Is your point of view being respected? Are you using trigger words to insight a verbal riot? Our “Great Communicators” blog project is dedicated to solving all of your blunders and alleviating your communication frustrations.

In this introductory post I will explore why not getting your way directly aligns with your less than favorable communication skills.

You don’t get your way

Example: In a discussion with a friend, he mentioned his ping pong frustration with his insurance company. His insurance company had sent him a check for his roof “repair” during a recent storm. When he tried to hire a company to fix the roof, he realized that the estimates of repair were significantly higher than his insurance settlement. As he described his problem, I wondered why he was not getting results because it seemed to be an easy fix. I quickly became confused when he said that the estimates were for the “roof replacement.” His language from that point on was a repetitive circle of “replace” and “replacement.” Seeing the problem, I asked if his roof needed to be repaired or replaced. His response; “The shingles on the roof need to be replaced.” He was describing a repair process, but communicating to the insurance company that it needed to be replaced. No wonder he was not getting what he wanted because he communicated a bigger and more expensive problem to his insurance company. Knowing that the roof needed a slight shingle repair, the insurance company terminated discussions of a possible negotiation. He was ineffective in communicating what he really needed. His frustration was self-created.

The Snowball: When what you want falls in the boundaries of reason, then you have to focus on why you are not receiving it. If you fail to effectively communicate what you want or need, then what dominates thereafter is your frustration to be understood. You have now shifted the focus from your need or desire and introduced another element – emotion. Once emotion is introduced it becomes less about your request and more about the person’s inability to grant you that request. Instead of examining yourself, you label the other person as inadequate. Your rant now questions their intelligence to reason, dismisses their commitment to solve the problem and disqualifies them from any future situations where their help might be required. The dialogue ends short of the results that you expected and leaves a frustrated flaw between you and the person you were communicating with.

The Solution: Focus on what you can do to change your delivery. You can do little to influence the decision of another without first setting the standard. Your expectations, tone and quick defense mechanisms will get you a dismissive “no” quickly. Whether it is business or personal, applying these solutions strengthens your outcome to get what you need.

Before the conversation

Identify what you are asking for.
Analyze what you need from them.
Pinpoint the ideal result.
Can the person realistically deliver your request?
Implement an approach to get your result

During the conversation

Lead with want you want (Do not waste idle time in asking. By doing so, the important element of your conversation is not tangled in unimportant dialogue).
Be clear
Be honest
Provide the facts
Be cautious with opinion
Have a positive attitude
Ask for the other person’s thoughts
Apply inclusive language (we, us, our)
Introduce emotion only for matters of the heart (if it is business then allow your feelings to exit from the rear).
Stay on topic (deviating from your point could open cans of unnecessary words).
Keep your tone leveled and respectful
Never argue, only reassert your perspective
“No” means next (my favorite)

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