Posted by CareerChampion on February 2nd, 2009
TRUE STORY
It was a summer morning, when I pranced into work enthusiastic about what the day presented. Marginally tardy, I took the scenic route to the break room to place my individually proportioned Stouffer’s lasagna in the freezer to savor during lunchtime. All morning I was envisioning the harmony between my belly and that frozen gateway to culinary delight. Lunch had summoned as I pranced back into the break room and to my admonishment I discovered that the Lasagna had grown frostbitten legs and walked away. I searched the refrigerator, trash bin, floor, window, VCR, vending machine and sink to no avail. I was frantic that I would not be able to suppress my appetite with break room air so I did what any reasonable victim of Lasagna theft would do – I put out an All Points Bulletin.
I was initially discouraged that sending a frenzied and accusatory e-mail to the entire office with details of the crime would elevate to unnecessary chaos from the innocent, but I had to consider that an appetite was at stake here. Once the e-mail was received throughout the office, jack in the box heads began emerging from their cubicles. I received immediate and overwhelming support from other victims of break room burglary. I was the chosen one. I witnessed first hand accounts of water bottle kidnapping, salad stealing and blatant lunch room larceny. Thefts of frozen food dinners were occurring at an alarming rate and I had to intervene. If not me, who? If not now then when?
I arose from the fear of reprimand and made an office wide announcement calling shame to the culprit. I was convinced that this was no random act that this was the methodical sickness of one individual. It would start with frozen lasagna but by Christmas the thief would be inclined to steal the Secret Santa gifts to claim as their own. I was unwilling to sit idly by while a dark cloud of crime loomed. Proactive by nature, I had my co-workers checking individual trash bins for a distinct box labeled “Stephanie.” Knowing the cunning nature of criminals as depicted on Forensic Files, the evidence was likely consumed and external contents destroyed. My caper rant was interrupted when the Director of Operations visited my cubicle. To suppress an office riot, my manager begged me to stop and he offered to treat me to a Blizzard and chicken fingers basket from Dairy Queen. Victory was won. For the love of peace I digressed victorious and satisfied. Needless to say that was the last time that someone stole lasagna from me. Break room burglaries sharply decreased to a level of non-existence. I am proud that I spearheaded a revolt that, if followed to completion, would have attracted many casualties.
Posted by Stephanie Robertson on January 30th, 2009
Lies are bad. Lies destroy lives. Lies leave footprints on your conscience. That said I will provide advice only on lies that are already in progress. Obvious lies that employees tend to tell to their boss regarding sick day excuses. I have seen trust between employees and employers fall apart over lies that, with the appropriate direction, could have been prevented.
First Rule of Thumb:
When communicating with your boss use the proper phrasing that tiptoes around the truth. Many employees use inappropriately phrased excuses that would automatically be a red flag to your boss.
Example: “I am sick today and I don’t think I will be able to come to work.”
Wrong! First of all you are not sick – That is a lie. What’s worse is that you follow it up with a less than confident solution. Saying that you don’t “think”that you can come to work is a clear indication that you have no truth to sustain this lie. You are sick remember? Believe that you are sick. Practice your sympathy demeanor. Deliver confidence and know that you are sick. You have been afforded the right not to be at work during an illness. Don’t be timid in your conviction. If you don’t believe it then who will?
Secondly you NEVER admit that you are sick unless your back is against the wall. DO NOT say “I am sick today.” Again, you are not sick and although you might elude to it you need not say it. That is where the confidence should take over.
Proper Responses:
“I am using a sick day today. Unfortunately I won’t be able to come in this morning so I’ll see you bright and early, ready to work, on Monday morning.” (Recommended)
or….
“I tried to come in today, but there is no way I can do it. I am going to have to use a sick day. I know I have some projects that need my attention, but at this point I don’t see how that’s possible for me to be there. I hope to see you first thing Monday morning.” (For the guilty minds requiring a lengthier lie)
See – you have told the truth without having a crooked conscience. You never said you were sick you said “I am using a sick day.” There is a big difference. What your boss heard was that you were too sick to come to work. He/she will communicate that to your team and by Monday morning everyone will ask if you feel better. Your office buddies know better and they have probably called you on their lunch break to engage you in office gossip.
Legal Disclaimer: This strategy works best if you have sick days available. If you are negative sick days and your boss brings it to your attention convincingly gasp as if you did not know and float a PTO day instead. Please consult your employee handbook for corporate policies and procedures. I am not an expert and will not assume any responsibility for misapplied communication or inaccurate lie leadership.
